i'm peacing out, she said
later, i said
i watched her out of the corner of my eye
leave her bag on the table as she walked out the door
she came back into the room
i walked up to her and asked her about her project
i couldn't help but think my photography has influenced her ideas
i wonder if she realizes this
i wonder if she'll think of me when she takes the photos
i wonder if she's trying to hold onto something she valued in me
probably not
she pulled out a cloth and wiped her glasses
i watched her hands as she spoke
small, soft
trembling
the same hands i've held
the same hands that have held me
comforted me
as i've cried so many times
a product of the sacred, unique bond we'd shared
and watched unravel
i watched her mouth as she spoke
can't bring myself to look into her eyes
those eyes, so wide
that used to sparkle into my own
and made me believe in myself
and in her
the electricity that used to flow between us is all but gone
i looked up
into her eyes
they were watery, glassy
her voice trembled as she spoke
she seemed to be holding something back
i think she had left to cry in the bathroom
so i would not see
i had cried for weeks, months
over the disintegration of our memories
mourning a loss of something that was once so beautiful
now fades to steely grey
i'm not sure what she was upset about
she won't, can't, tell me
maybe it was me, or nothing to do with me at all
maybe it was her realization of what she'd lost
maybe it was allergies
maybe it was a realization that i am happy
can be happy, without her
something i haven't been in three years
maybe she realized that i don't need her
that i can form new friendships
that i can move on
that the ties of love are strong
but can be undone
isn't this what she asked for?
maybe she realized that for once i was serious
i can not care about her anymore
can not bear my soul
to someone who neglects and mistreats that beauty
and truth
that glows like a super nova
maybe i was cold, indifferent
was i cruel?
'i want to live life and never be cruel'
we'd overturned rocks and leaves and city sidewalks
in search of what was real
i guess in the end my reality is different from hers
i wish i could say that i wanted to take her in my arms
like i've done so many times before
tell her everything is ok
that i am sorry
that i love her
that i'll never give up
and everything is ok
but i can't anymore
can't let you in
can't let you in
and i can't ask her what's wrong
can't reach out to her
she must learn to reach out herself
and to reach out to others when they are in pain
asking for help is an admittance of a fault she can not bear
i can not lose another piece of myself to this battle
i look at the pictures of us together
there must be hundreds by now
i remember the day i im'd her to tell her
i couldn't stop crying when i'd look at them
she told me well then don't look at them
and that she had to go
i couldn't stop crying
that was the day i went home
and laid my head on nonnie's pillow and watched her die
my mom said maybe her cruelty was a blessing in disguise
i wouldn't have gone home had i not been so upset about her
today, the same pictures make me smile and laugh
they are a reminder of a time past that was happy
what is done is done, what is gone is gone
but nothing can take those memories away
and hopefully they will wash away the bad memories
i will keep them somewhere safe inside
i ask her where her voice has gone
the one that sang so brilliantly
the one that drove and inspired both of us for so long
she offers no reply
and i realize that voice was mine all along
the voice i'd loved was my own
she will have to travel her own path
feel her own pain
feel her own joy
make her own mistakes
wage her own wars
and wear her own scars
i can not protect her forever
our paths have divereged
and i will go on alone
but i will stand tall
singing and dancing to my own rhythm
the drum beat of the earth, sea & streets
and she will have to find her own voice
among the stars
and maybe one day our voices will ring together
in beautiful harmony
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