my heart is a worried thing

i've been writing lately...



object & master of this not quite male gaze
my singles pay the bills of your electric sex
cut with thick smoke and thicker stares
inside my cubicle
cheap plywood walls drip
with desires of previous patrons
hands on knees that bounce
shots of anxiety chased with cheap foamy beer
slides past my lips in single-serve cups
pupils dilate
eyes roll back
as we dance
inhale your candy apple skin
& evaporate into the sweaty blue light

----------------

i've smashed you
into a thousand tiny pieces in my mind
but i can't seem to find my shoes
so these bloody footprints
follow me wherever i go
because your memory
is sharp as glass
and this tough exterior is just a facade
thinly veiling a soul
that very badly wants to forget
your bitter taste

---------------

i'm feeling rather cranky and cynical today... maybe it's the heat. maybe i just need to get the hell out of this place for good. seattle can't come soon enough.

i've also been feeling rather reclusive lately. i'm bored with casual conversations with people i have little in common with. i'm tired of listening to people talk about inane shit i don't care about just so i have someone to talk to. i want to make new friends. i'm tired of lying in bed at night waiting to fall asleep because i'm not tired. i feel like a prisoner in my house, a zombie completely devoid of emotion. i miss real connections with people i love. i want to fall in love, be heart broken, laugh until i hurt, dance in my underwear just because i feel like dancing, cry, bleed, create... all those other beautiful/painful signs that one is indeed alive. i just feel numb and i'm sick of it. equilibrium is boring. i'm terrified of stagnating. i need change.

speaking of change, i made an appointment today to be tattooed on monday which i'm quite excited about. i'm going to do the ribbon with 'i defy you, stars' on my ankle and 'veritas vos liberabit' in gotham on the back of my neck. so i'm stoked about these changes. i also need another hair cut. and i believe i'm leaving for seattle on the 28th or the 29th depending on whether anne's coming or not.

change is on the horizon. just a wee bit longer...