so i was sitting in my room last night and i had some thoughts i
figured i'd share with you...
an angie stone song came on, and i realized how long it'd been since i
heard it. i realized i haven't listened to any hip hop in a long time,
and that i'd been skipping anything that came up on my itunes... i was
curious to know if you'd stopped listening to music you associate with
me
i was sitting on the counter at work, listening to npr and some song
came on and i started wiggling back and forth on the counter. i
realized that i hadn't danced in weeks...
last night anne was supposed to call me after work and we were going
to go to mezzanotte to see division by zero. she never called. i
really wanted to see the band, but i also kind of just wanted to loaf
around my apartment, so when she didn't call i got excited that i had
a whole hour of the daily show/colbert report to watch and then
decided i was just going to chill out. i listened to angie
stone and danced by myself in my room...
when i was talking to my mom the other night, she was trying to figure
out why i've gotten to be they way i am, and why i don't feel like my
mom loves me enough. i realized i'd been placing all the blame on her,
since my dad had practically no part in my emotional upbringing. then
she said, i just feel very badly because you've gone through some
terrible things and i can't even imagine how they've affected you...
i thought about the shit that happened when i was little, and all of
the guilt and blame i associate with that part of my life. i'm sure
that has a lot to do with my issues of self worth, and my inability to
love myself. i don't know how i heal those wounds.
the other day in therapy i mentioned something about how no one has
ever been able to love me the way i've wanted, why is that? and then i
was like, oh yea that's right it's cuz i dont' know how to love
myself... got it!
i almost feel guilty, like a lot of this has been indirectly my fault,
but i know i shouldn't feel guilty either. we all carry our own demons
with us, i guess, and at least i may be able to finally put some of
them to rest, and be a better person than i was before all of this
happened.
when i started pre-school, i used to cry every time my mom dropped me
off. i would come home 'sick' just so i could be with my mom. then
when my mom went back to work after my sister was born, i would call
home 'sick' and boppie or nonnie would come and pick me up from
school. i would spend the rest of the day at their house being taken
care of...
becky talked to her therapist about my situation the other day. she
came up with an analogy that goes like this:
You are in the airport and have a shit ton of baggage. You know where
you want to go, you're not really sure how to get there, but you know
what your destination is. People come up to you and try to help you,
and some how, you end up throwing too much of your baggage onto them.
These people can't carry all of the baggage, so they run off, and
always accidentally leave one of their bags behind for you to carry.
So what you need is one of those $2 baggage carts to load all of your
baggage on. This way, when people come along, it's a little easier
for them to help you pull, and if they still find it too hard, there's
no way they can "accidentally" leave some of their baggage behind
so i'm guessing the $2 baggage cart is my own love for myself. i'm not
exactly sure where you get one of those carts though. no one seems to
be able to tell me how i do this. becky said some people never figure
it out. but i'm figuring it out slowly, one little thing at a time.
and hopefully my life will be better after i do.
i know what has happened over the past few weeks has involved both of
us. i know i have done many hurtful things to you. and i know that the
last thing i ever want to do is hurt you. but i also know you have
done many hurtful things to me as well. and i don't know if i have
forgiven you for those things yet, especially since you have not
appologized. i don't know if you think anything you did was wrong at
all, and therefore you see no need for an appology. i don't know if i
should just forget about everything. i don't know if i can just forget
everything you did, and welcome you back into my life or if that's
what i want at all. i asked nonnie for the strength to forgive you
though, and to move on, hopefully to something better and stronger for
both of us.
this song struck me the other day:
with everything ahead of us,
we left everything behind
but nothin that we needed at least
not at this time
and now the feelin that im feelin, well
is feelin like my life is finally mine
and with nothin to go back to
we just continue to drive
without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side
i didnt know what i was lookin for so i
didnt know what id find
i didnt know what i was missin i guess
youd been just a little too kind
and if i find just what i need
put a little peace in my mind
maybe you been lookin too
or maybe you dont even need to try
without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side
with everything in the past
fadin faster and faster until it was gone
found out i was losin so much more
than i knew all along
but everything i been workin for
only worth nickels and dimes
but if i had a minute for every hour that i wasted
id be rich and kind
id be doin fine
without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side
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