nothing's ever promised tomorrow today

i recently looked at the photos from the day nonnie died, and they are much more haunting than the first few days i shot her... i chose this one to use as part of a photo project on composite digital imagery i've been working on...

an illusion is hope born from fear

i'd like to wake up wrapped in blankets and limbs
tangled in the space between sleep and wake

i'd like to reach out and feel you next to me
feel your heart beat on my cheek

i'd like to curl my toes around your feet
blur the line where you end and i begin

i'd like to watch you breathe
feel the covers rise between us

i'd like to fall asleep with my head on your arm
knowing you'll be there when my eyes open

i'd like to trace your finger tips
and memorize them in my mind

i'd like to have an excuse to lie in bed for hours
with nothing to do but talk and touch

i'd like to run my fingers through your hair
until i fall asleep

i'd like to kiss your lips
and know the feeling is real, true

i'd like to love you
whoever you may be
wherever you may be

they said i shot a man down in reno, but that was just a lie

so i was sitting in my room last night and i had some thoughts i
figured i'd share with you...

an angie stone song came on, and i realized how long it'd been since i
heard it. i realized i haven't listened to any hip hop in a long time,
and that i'd been skipping anything that came up on my itunes... i was
curious to know if you'd stopped listening to music you associate with
me

i was sitting on the counter at work, listening to npr and some song
came on and i started wiggling back and forth on the counter. i
realized that i hadn't danced in weeks...

last night anne was supposed to call me after work and we were going
to go to mezzanotte to see division by zero. she never called. i
really wanted to see the band, but i also kind of just wanted to loaf
around my apartment, so when she didn't call i got excited that i had
a whole hour of the daily show/colbert report to watch and then
decided i was just going to chill out. i listened to angie
stone and danced by myself in my room...

when i was talking to my mom the other night, she was trying to figure
out why i've gotten to be they way i am, and why i don't feel like my
mom loves me enough. i realized i'd been placing all the blame on her,
since my dad had practically no part in my emotional upbringing. then
she said, i just feel very badly because you've gone through some
terrible things and i can't even imagine how they've affected you...

i thought about the shit that happened when i was little, and all of
the guilt and blame i associate with that part of my life. i'm sure
that has a lot to do with my issues of self worth, and my inability to
love myself. i don't know how i heal those wounds.

the other day in therapy i mentioned something about how no one has
ever been able to love me the way i've wanted, why is that? and then i
was like, oh yea that's right it's cuz i dont' know how to love
myself... got it!

i almost feel guilty, like a lot of this has been indirectly my fault,
but i know i shouldn't feel guilty either. we all carry our own demons
with us, i guess, and at least i may be able to finally put some of
them to rest, and be a better person than i was before all of this
happened.

when i started pre-school, i used to cry every time my mom dropped me
off. i would come home 'sick' just so i could be with my mom. then
when my mom went back to work after my sister was born, i would call
home 'sick' and boppie or nonnie would come and pick me up from
school. i would spend the rest of the day at their house being taken
care of...

becky talked to her therapist about my situation the other day. she
came up with an analogy that goes like this:

You are in the airport and have a shit ton of baggage. You know where
you want to go, you're not really sure how to get there, but you know
what your destination is. People come up to you and try to help you,
and some how, you end up throwing too much of your baggage onto them.
These people can't carry all of the baggage, so they run off, and
always accidentally leave one of their bags behind for you to carry.
So what you need is one of those $2 baggage carts to load all of your
baggage on. This way, when people come along, it's a little easier
for them to help you pull, and if they still find it too hard, there's
no way they can "accidentally" leave some of their baggage behind

so i'm guessing the $2 baggage cart is my own love for myself. i'm not
exactly sure where you get one of those carts though. no one seems to
be able to tell me how i do this. becky said some people never figure
it out. but i'm figuring it out slowly, one little thing at a time.
and hopefully my life will be better after i do.

i know what has happened over the past few weeks has involved both of
us. i know i have done many hurtful things to you. and i know that the
last thing i ever want to do is hurt you. but i also know you have
done many hurtful things to me as well. and i don't know if i have
forgiven you for those things yet, especially since you have not
appologized. i don't know if you think anything you did was wrong at
all, and therefore you see no need for an appology. i don't know if i
should just forget about everything. i don't know if i can just forget
everything you did, and welcome you back into my life or if that's
what i want at all. i asked nonnie for the strength to forgive you
though, and to move on, hopefully to something better and stronger for
both of us.

this song struck me the other day:

with everything ahead of us,
we left everything behind
but nothin that we needed at least
not at this time
and now the feelin that im feelin, well
is feelin like my life is finally mine
and with nothin to go back to
we just continue to drive

without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side

i didnt know what i was lookin for so i
didnt know what id find
i didnt know what i was missin i guess
youd been just a little too kind
and if i find just what i need
put a little peace in my mind
maybe you been lookin too
or maybe you dont even need to try

without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side

with everything in the past
fadin faster and faster until it was gone
found out i was losin so much more
than i knew all along

but everything i been workin for
only worth nickels and dimes
but if i had a minute for every hour that i wasted
id be rich and kind
id be doin fine

without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side
said without you i was broken
but id rather be broke down with you by my side

goodbye my friend

today at nonnie's funeral i had the honor of being able to read these thoughts to family and friends. it's an amalgamation of several blog entries with more stuff added...
<3


My phone rang at 8:50 am. I knew something wasn’t right. It was my Mom calling to say that they were moving Nonnie from the ICU to the hospice unit. She said I should come home as soon as possible. I left class in a stunned daze, and as I was driving down 81, my dad called to update me on Nonnie's condition. I asked if I could talk to her in case I didn't make it home in time, and he put her on the phone.

I said, hi, Nonnie, how are you?
And she said, Ooh Megan! Her voice was happy. She remembered me.
Tears welled in my eyes.
I said, Are you scared Nonnie?
No, she said. I've led a good life, and I have a good family.
Ok Nonnie, well I love you very, very much, and I'll see you soon.
Monitors beeped in the background.
I love you too. Click. I drove faster, Nonnie's voice ringing in my head

I spent the next three days in the hospital with my camera, documenting what I thought would be the last few days of her life. I actually almost didn’t bring my camera home with me because I thought people would think it was weird that I was photographing my dying grandma. But to me, death is just another part of life. And to create an image about the process we went through is to share yet another part of the human experience with someone else, and in sharing that, connect us all together. Or maybe viewing life through a camera is just my way of making sense of everything.

When I got back to school, I sifted through the hundreds of images I had created. I saw Uncle John bent over a sleeping Nonnie, brushing her hair. Aunt Terry feeding her lemon sherbert. My Mom and Dad, Aunt Sue, Aunt Kathy, Zach, Karm, Mary Fran, Kate, and countless others all taking turns watching over her, cleaning her, holding her hand, and comforting her as she has done for us throughout our lives.

This is what I see when I look at these images. They are simultaneously sad and yet beautifully tender. I see the life of one tiny, fading person that has bound all of these other people together. And they've all come to tell her how much she has meant to them, and to say goodbye one last time. When I look back on this period in my life, it is this love and unity I will remember.

I sat by her bed and brushed her hair. Her eyes blinked open and closed.
I said, what are you thinking about Nonnie? She said, you
Days passed, and we could do nothing but wait by her side.

I went back to school, thinking I would not see my Nonnie alive again. But she wouldn’t be ready to leave us for a while.

Wednesday night my mom called to tell me that Nonnie's breathing had become erratic, and that I might want to consider coming home. She called back several minutes later to say that she'd stabilized and that I should just stay at school. I didn't sleep well afterwards, and had nightmares all night long. In my dreams, I found myself in the middle of a field, rain pouring down, screaming at the heavens to take her or leave her with us, but not to leave her like this.

When I woke up to do work before class the next morning, everything I've been dealing with lately seemed to hit me all at once. I couldn't stop crying. I called my friend Becky, and she told me that I didn't belong at school, I belonged home with my family. Waiting for a phone call to say my grandma had died was too much to deal with on top of everything else.

I packed up some stuff and drove home, planning to come back to school the next night.

When I got to the hospital, Nonnie was in worse shape than the last time I'd seen her. Her cheeks were hollow, and she was very thin. She hadn't eaten in 10 days. I said, Hi Nonnie, and kissed her head, but she didn't respond like she did last week. As I held her hand and talked to her, her eyes fluttered slightly. The nurse would later tell me that the last sense we lose before we die is our hearing.

I sat down on the couch next to my Aunt Kathy, and she asked me how things were going at school. As I started explaining everything I began crying again. She and Jenn sat with me and hugged me. We rocked back and forth and talked about my problems and they reassured me that everything would work out eventually. I believed them. I've never felt that connected to my family, but things seem to have changed over the past few weeks. I've reached out to them for help, and they've responded with tremendous love and support. I can't help but feeling like this was some sort of master plan for Nonnie. If there would be one thing she could ask before she died, I'm pretty sure it would be to bring her family closer together. Becky was right. What I really needed was to be with my family.

For as long as I can remember, Nonnie has had some sort of back or neck pain. Her doctor couldn't explain to us why after losing 5 pints of blood, she was still able to live for 15 days. One of the nurses told me that when pain is just a part of living, your body learns to compensate for it in different ways. Her body thought that this was just another thing it was going to fight its way out of.

I spent the next day at the hospital, and planned on leaving around 6. I wasn't really ready to go back to school yet, so I ended up staying longer than I'd planned. As I went back into Nonnie's room to collect my stuff, the nurse told Aunt Sue that she thought it was time.

We all stood around Nonnie's bed and held her, and each other. As I ran my fingers through her hair for the last time I thought about how she’d done the same for me as I sat in her lap as a child. I thought about how she would finally be with Boppie, which is the only place she's ever wanted to be. Some of us told her how much we loved her. Some bowed their heads in prayer. I whispered in her ear, thanking her for everything she's ever done for me, told her I loved her, and asked her to say hello to Boppie for me...

From Boppie, I carry on a love of craft, gardening, photography, tacky lawn ornamentation and fancy pants dancing. And while I may have lost a home within my grandmother, whatever burned inside of her that kept her going for all those years, through everything she's been through, through all the hard times and pain, and all of the good times too, will burn inside of me forever. Her memory brings me comfort and laughter, but above all, it brings me strength and courage. Strength that will carry me through tough times, and open my heart up to care for others. Strength to forgive those who have done me wrong. Her memory will bring me courage to speak of truth and beauty, to change the things that I can change, and to accept the things I cannot. And if I accomplish one thing in my time here on earth, I hope it is to touch as many lives as my Nonnie has.

love others as you love yourself

my cousin zach recorded an interview with nonnie a few months ago.
zach: What information is important for you to record about your family
so that it will not be forgotten in the next generation?
nonnie: Our honesty and kindness

zach: what were you like when you were younger?
nonnie: I was a whip when I was younger!

wednesday night my mom called during my drama class to tell me that nonnie's breathing had become eratic, and that i might want to consider coming home. she called back several minutes later to say that she'd stabalized and that i should just stay at school. i didn't sleep well afterwards, and had nightmares all night long. when i woke up to do work before class the next morning, everything i've been dealing with lately seemed to hit me all at once. i couldn't stop crying. i called becky, and she told me that i didn't belong at school, i belonged home with my family. waiting for a phone call to say my grandma had died was too much to deal with on top of everything else.

i packed up some stuff and drove home, and planned to come home the next night.

when i got to the hospital, nonnie was in worse shape than the last time i'd seen her. her cheek bones were much more pronounced, and she was very thin. she hadn't eaten in 10 days. i said hi nonnie and kissed her head, but she didn't respond like she did last week. as i held her hand and talked to her, her eyes fluttered slightly. the nurse would tell me later that the last sense we lose before we die is our hearing.

i sat down on the couch next to my aunt kathy, and she asked me how things were going at school. as i started explaining everything i began crying again. she and my cousin jenn sat with me and hugged me. we talked about my problems and they reassured me that everything would work out eventually. i've never fealt that connected to my family, but things seem to have changed. i've reached out to them for help, and they've helped me tremendously. i can't help but feeling like this was some sort of master plan for nonnie. if there would be one thing she could ask before she died, i'm pretty sure it would be to bring her family closer together. becky was right. what i really needed was to be with my family.

i spent the next day at the hospital, and planned on leaving around 6. i wasn't really ready to go back to school yet, so i ended up staying longer than i'd planned. as i went back into nonnie's room to collect my stuff, the nurse told my aunt that she thought it was time.

we all stood around nonnie's bed and held her. as i ran my fingers through her hair for the last time i thought about how i'd sat in her lap as a kid and she'd done the same for me. i thought about how she would finally be with boppie, which is the only place she's ever wanted to be. some of us told her how much we loved her. some said prayers. i thanked her for everything she's ever done for me, told her i loved her, and asked her to say hello to boppie for me...

for as long as i can remember, nonnie has had some sort of back or neck pain. her doctor couldn't explain to us why after losing 5 pints of blood, she was still able to live for 15 days in hospice. one of the nurses was telling me that when pain is just a part of life for some people, your body learns to compensate for it in different ways. we think that her body thought that this was just another thing it was going to fight its way out of.

her obituary ran in the paper today. it read:
she was a woman of deep faith, selfless, loving, nurturing, compassionate and wise
whose spirit not even 30 years of pain could dim.
her joe and her family were her life.
she will be missed,
but her spirit will strengthen her family and friends always.

from my boppie, i carry on a love of craft, gardening, photography, tacky lawn ornamentation and fancy pants dancing. and while i may have lost a home within my grandmother, whatever burned inside of her that made her keep going for all those years, through everything she's been through, will burn inside of me forever. her memory brings me comfort and laughter, but above all,
strength.

may angels lead you in
here you me my friend
on sleepless roads the sleepless go
may angels lead you in

love is always patient and kind


i would like to thank everyone who has been so kind and supportive over the past few weeks. in no particular order, beck, kat, justin, daver, lesley, jenn, anne, jim, mariana, my aunts & uncles, mom, dad & kate. i love you.

beauty that we left behind, how shall we tomorrow find

Battered and torn
still I can see the light
Tattered and worn
but I must kneel to fight

Friend of mine
what can't you spare
I know some times
it gets cold in there

Hope is alive
while we're apart
only tears
speak from my heart
break the chains
that hold us down
and we shall be
forever bound

Beauty that
we left behind
how shall we
tomorrow find

Set aside
our weight in sin
so that we
can live again