today kat im'd me and said that she'd looked at my facebook photos from last night, and she wasn't sure if i was intoxicated or whatever, but i looked really really happy. i told her that i was not intoxicated at all. and i realized that people have told me that a lot lately. not just people i know really well, but random friends have said 'wow you are so bubbly and happy!' and i realized that how i feel lately is sooo sooo different from the beginning of the semester. i'm not sure i've ever been this happy, actually. i go out and i don't feel socially awkward or uncomfortable... i smile more, and i find myself walking through places like the grocery store dancing and singing to myself...
i think about jamie and how she's come into my life so intensely & quickly. i know that i wouldn't have healed so quickly from all the shit i went through at the first half of the semester if she hadn't been around, and i'm so grateful for her friendship. she makes me strong and brave. and not just when i'm with her, but when she's not around too. it's amazing how i've seen such an amazingly positive change in my life since she's been around... and i love her for this and other reasons, like the excessive use of the word 'amazing' in her vocabulary, how she smiles and says the word pink after i say it, her half smile & her little giggles
i think about the future and the things that i want to accomplish and i feel invinceable & unstoppable. it's an incredible feeling that usually leads to me smiling to myself...
tito came to visit this weekend, and i took him to hang out with jamie and her room mates last night. we grilled marshmallows and burgers with her room mates and took lots of happy pictures. all of jamie's room mates are amazing and really nice to me. i feel very comfortable around them, and lee, molly and erin rock my world. then we went to this party and tito, jamie and i ended up sitting on the floor talking about the social relevence of pornography and whether it's detrimental to society. i love connections with people. i love sitting down with someone who will contemplate just about anything with me... jamie and i do that a lot. and these are the things i live for: connections.
jamie and i were talking about our most recent works, her screen prints and my final photo project. and we realized how much each of us has affected the others work. that's also been a pretty amazing realization. i don't think i ever would have been comfortable making such a bold feminist statement with the 'war' series had it not been for her. the concept was almost directly derived from her thesis on the social construction of womens bodies. and her screen prints have become much more graphic and single minded. it's pretty incredible how the people we surround ourselves with can either have such a tremendous detrimental or positive effect on one's life... amazing...
i don't think about the stuff that used to get me down anymore... my head doesn't punish me by dwelling on bad thoughts. the people i've lost cross my mind, but the grief is fading and i'm left with the happy memories and an acceptance of that loss. i understand that everything comes full circle.
i was sitting on my porch the other night by myself smoking and smiling to myself (i find that i do this a lot these days), and andy actually crossed my mind. the memory of him was, probably for the first time ever, not accompanied by a flood of malicious memories. i thought about how i could probably sit down and eat a meal with him and not want to punch him in the face for what he did to me.
i am healing
and it feels amazing
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